The Bean’s bean #9

I’ve had a few things rattling round my head for the past week or so – usually at this point they jump out make a lot of noise and demand to be written down somewhere, be that on my phone or a pad somewhere. But at the moment they just sort of wondering about And a bit like if you were to keep opening the oven door whilst making a cake, the damn thing won’t be at all and you’ll be left with a goopy mess that you will throw into the bin while saying all sorts of wonderful curse words. 

I guess in the ebb and flow of making things, this is definitely the form apart. The eye in the middle of a tornado if you will- the rest, stop along the highway.

I try to use times like this to go back and look at the work that I have made sometimes for some inspiration going forward but ultimately just to make sure that it isn’t shit- the problem with being dyslexic and predominantly writing things is that it is absolutely riddled with the spelling mistakes, grammatical errors and generally I write things the way I say things. The main body of a lot of these entries is speech to text because it is just simpler and easier for me to do. Even if I do feel very awkward sitting here basically dictating to a phone on my own laying on my front on my bed.

I have to keep telling myself that if I don’t have these little rests as I’m not actually ever going to be able to recuperate enough energy to make stuff going forward and that I have to at least check my work to make sure it is at the level and quality I wish for it to be at. I don’t get a lot of feedback in the first place and I would hate for that feedback to be entirely negative because I just haven’t taken two minutes to sit down reread and analyse whatever it is I am releasing. At the risk of being entirely dramatic and contradictory that would definitely crush me. I am all for constructive criticism, when I am ready to receive it and I know that this is coming, but I haven’t quite yet mastered not listening to idiots being idiots. Maybe I can use this time to better refine those skills? 

I guess with infinite money, I would spend these times  either re-ordering some older zines to give out for free like I used to, ordering those that I have created but do not have the finances yet to produce and maybe even being a proper lush and sending it to people for a small fee for them to edit and spellcheck. However, given the previous comment, I would have to read myself for when people reply with ‘ what is it that you’re trying to say here? It just doesn’t make any fucking sense.’ 

It might seem harsh, but I say this to myself quite frequently. 

Reality is cold, more so if you don’t put a jumper on. So now I’m wrapped up in both clothes and metaphors I’m going to stop being so hard on myself for not constantly making stuff, including a mess of things, and just focus on having a breather while taking the odd time to re-read things. I’ll go out the kettle in then….