The Bean’s bean #10

While it’s very fresh, I want to share something very personal but I hope it’s something people can take with them and use for their own good – or at least there is something that you can use as fuel for your journey ahead. 

As I write this, I have just stepped out of therapy. I’ve been doing it for a little over a year, possibly closer to a year and a half by now and it has been absolutely revolutionary. I started it up when I realised I had no drive self-confidence or any wants to do anything creative in any way shape or form.  Call it creative constipation, call it a lack of drive to live, only to exist to function to make money and to come home and sleep with an evening. It certainly has been a long road, but I had a bit of a breakthrough and I wanted to share that these things can happen and will happen to you if you’re willing to meet certain things halfway.

I didn’t want to spend my time and money going and seeing someone for, what I thought at the time, was whingeing about all of my first world problems and all of the emotional issues I do or don’t have, but when it gets to such a point that your feet itch because you’ve been standing still for such a long time you have no other choice but to do something about it. And I’m glad I did and I honestly can’t write going in speaking to someone, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be expensive and they don’t necessarily have to have done it for a very long time. 

I think the issue I had is that I was making things such as art, and photography in particular in the hopes that I would get external validation from other people. Really what I wanted was external validation for just being a decent person and actually the skill I needed to learn was that I can give myself my own validation without having to rely on anyone else. I have quite a few skills that I have learnt over the years and this is possibly the most valuable one but it hasn’t been an easy journey to get to the stage where I can say with confidence that I am a good creative person and I am happy with what it is that I produce. 

I have mentioned before that I am very proud of the exhibition ‘ open for business’ and I truly believe that I am. What’s nice about it is that it came very naturally and I didn’t have to force anything to make the artwork involved in it – I wanted to draw little coffee shops and I did. I wanted to put them in my favourite coffee shop after they offered me some space and I acted on that. I was very scared, downright nervous in fact, that nothing would come of it and no one would care. And quite frankly I don’t care if no one cares because I care and I really like them and I really like the fact that I took a step to doing something I have said that I would do for many years. On top of it I am taking a very gentle approach to myself and my success but more importantly, a very soft and gentle approach to anything I do that isn’t right, rather than being horrendously negative and a proper bastard to myself.

If you can take anything from this, I hope that you take the message of being kind to yourself especially when you’re making things but also that there’s nothing wrong with going and talking to someone especially if it’s going to help you as a person in any way, shape or form. 

My favourite thing about this is the poetry I now have to work on and some of the sketchbook ideas I can spend tonight developing, comfort in the knowledge I don’t really give a fuck if anyone likes what I do or not. I just enjoy making things, I enjoy putting them up for those who have expressed an interest in what I do and I enjoy the odd occasion. Someone gives me some positive feedback, especially if that feedback comes in their desire to want to take something home with them. 

Now thats out of my head I can get back to what I was going to do. I encouarge the same.