Life can be a cacophony; The story of ‘Gouge”

If you’ve managed to find this fantastic, you’re one of the very few. 

This is basically a secret. I never mentioned this being released. 

I’ve just put it here and let it sit here. 

The project itself falls in the category of “harsh noise wall “, which I would further define as a sound art piece more than anything else. You can find ‘Gouge’ on all streaming services under ‘Doomm’ which has become my field recording and soundscape project. I guess by this qualification, it’s not really a secret you will find it if you have gone and found “Anytime//Nowhere“, but allow me to explain the reason I made it in the point behind it.

For a little over five years, I have been making a radio show. It goes out once a month on the Internet radio station “Ship Full of bombs” which is based in Southend. I predominantly, with the help of my on-again, off-again cohost, some special guests and a couple of superstar interviews, play rock music, metal and all of its various sub genres and a lot of experimental stuff as well. That has taken on its own identity in the form of “the long tape sessions “where I normally play found footage, sound recordings and things are a bit more avant-garde, electronic, and experimental.

I want to also perfect this by saying that I adore doing it, and there are some people on the team that I absolutely adore, who are very helpful, who have said wonderful, very praising things about it and keep me going and have kept me going for nearly half a decade I have been doing this. This, however, doesn’t come with any malice it is just an expression of creative frustration and the issues I have around communication.

There are some that are part of the studio and the team who are almost impossible to get hold of, and over the years. I have seen people come with all the enthusiasm and excitement of wanting to do their own little creative thing, only to a few months later, end up leaving because some people just don’t answer their messages at seem to want to help out don’t seem to communicate what needs to be done and most frustratingly, don’t seem to put out shows that have been asked of them. It’s not like these people don’t agree to do it either; it’s not like it’s a thrust upon them and they have no other option. They have agreed to do those things and aren’t holding up their end of the bargain.

This has happened to me quite a few times over the years, and as a result, I asked them to give me the password and tell me all of the software that they use so that I can just take it and do it myself.

Solve it as my responsibility, considering I’m just the one making it in the first place, but as they ran the station, there was a part of me that felt that the responsibility fell on them a little. I feel very much the same about advertising. I would make posters and try to get some traction for people to listen, but the radio show itself doesn’t seem to advertise any other shows or really even itself that much. It seems to just rely on regular listeners and, more often than not, word-of-mouth, not to discredit the power of word-of-mouth. I ended up making my own Instagram page and promoting the show that way. I invited as many bands and people who I knew would be interested in it and wanted to engage, and it seems to have picked up really good traction over the years. I’m happy doing things myself, but at this point, I seem to really be using the SFOB name just to get my show out. They have become a vehicle for me to put stuff out; I don’t have to pay for anything at all, and all I need to do is give my time to produce content for their station. It’s a fair exchange.

What I don’t understand is why they don’t promote it more to get more people involved; those involved do some amazing work and, in turn, make the station amazing.

This is just one aspect of what the project has become. Those of you who are observant enough know the many spokes to the wheel of my autistic and creative endeavours. From music to poetry to composition to performance, there are many things I get myself involved in and many things that I seem to thoroughly enjoy. There is a decent amount of feedback and praise from people who come to see what it is that I have to offer. I always try to make a point of acknowledging those who have taken the time to come and give me feedback of any sort. It’s not always positive; sometimes it’s constructive, but all the while it’s food for thought. With this, I try to advertise it as best as I can, realising that the giant of social media and the monster that is the internal algorithm are always going to be against little artists such as myself. Throwing into the mix that I am very left-leaning in my political views, and you have got a recipe for me to be hidden. Much like what I have created here.

‘Gouge’ it’s purely an abstract expression of my frustration surrounding the radio station that I put content out for, the previous bands I have been in and the current state of the music industry and how it is only getting worse, firmly licking the boots of AI, the frustration of being self published and self managing yourself, knowing that you don’t want to give money over to a corporation that potentially won’t really help you (I have done this before and only thrown money into the wind with no results, which is why I’m very reluctant to go back) and above putting a lot of motion, empathy and energy into such creative endeavours for it to not really go very far at all while there are a talentless hacks having money and deals thrown at them just because they’ve either made some sort of porno or they’ve made a fool of themselves in someway or they’ve just exploited themselves. I also almost constantly feel like I’m begging for money, putting little buttons and little links and things for people to donate, even if it’s just a couple of pounds, just to throw in the pot. I imagine this is largely down to people believing others will help, and most notably, an issue algorithmically. Either way, it seems that there is very little room for tact and dignity in the world of mass media. Then, into the mix, you throw the challenges of being a neurodivergent queer person, and you have got an incredibly sharp, jarring block of noise. Simply exquisite.

I don’t want this to be taken as the potential expression of a pre-manifesto writing psychopath, offering anybody to think that I’m going to do something ridiculous like kill a bunch of people or myself or something like that, I’m not going to change anything at all, really or do anything different for? I am very happy in my sphere. I have so constantly that the whole point of me creating things is for myself before my own enjoyment, it is a way for me to offload things are happening in my mind and in my general social political and economic situation in the world, I want to do things because I want to do things and I don’t want to have to do it for anyone else, if I’m doing it for someone else then it’s a commission piece and I’ll be getting paid for it, all that person has requested something specifically that will require some sort of monetary exchange, if people enjoy what it is I make that’s fantastic and it could be five people or 500 people I would still be happy either way. 

What I wanted to do was to push the boundaries of my own creative endeavours, to really stretch, bend and vomit on what is considered art, what is considered music and what is considered tolerable and reasonable in an audio format.

This is not something that you would put on for a relaxing Sunday afternoon, having lunch with your sweetie; this is supposed to be something that the very most you get lost inside of and at the very best, is used as some sort of torture device. 

I find it very torturous at times, and I have to rely on other people in order to do things, especially when those people are completely apathetic, ignorant or lazy. I’m not saying everybody should jump to my back and call because I wouldn’t do the same, and sometimes I don’t even answer myself, but if you’ve said that you would do something or you are expected to provide a certain service because you have put yourself forward to do that, then you should fulfil that. If you don’t want to do that, someone can do that instead of you, and this is very important when it comes to the specifics of providing support and services for other people. 

The heavy and harsh sound is the blunt static influenced overwhelming burden of self-powered, self-motivation gone to a level that boulders extreme, with the brakes showing fatigue, and what it feels like to have given yourself tasks that have pressure because you gave yourself your word you would do it by ‘X’ date. 

So if you’ve got this far, congratulations, and thanks. I encourage you heavily to go and endure the project itself and put yourself through it to try and get some sort of understanding of the upper echelons of chaos that reside within my world.