I was paid to be nude

Full disclosure, there will be images of nudity, but these are for the purposes of art and they were done in a life drawing class.

I’m fully aware of how click back the title is, no shame.

It’s around 11 am and I’ve started my second coffee of the day. I’ve finished my meeting, put on a record and I’m working on an art piece. It’s a little commission piece for a friend, I’ll show it to you soon after it’s been given to them.

This was the start of my day because I wanted to try and fill it with positivity and creativity because later I had been to model. My first life drawing modelling ever, one to tick off the bucket list of life. I’ve always been the person working out art supplies around the other side drawing whoever was brave enough to stand there as pure as they can be. I’m not nervous about it because I have spent a good few years learning to love the body I have in its entirety, I wanted to challenge myself and put it to the test. I know and trust John and Emily who are running it and I have spent ages talking to them to get a feeling and sense of what is to happen.

I was not properly prepared.

I underestimated some things.

I shower, moisturise, properly pamper my body as a reward for it being brilliant, blow dry my hair and get changed, pack my robes, a spare hair tie, a brush and get my keys. The day is glorious is not a little chilly, we parked up in the usual spot and headed over. I’m still not nervous and it almost MAKES me nervous, maybe I should be but I’m not. I’m looking forward to it more than anything.

I have known John for the best part of 10 years and I have taken over his poetry evening that I now run, I trust John with more than I think I should do. Emily I’ve just met but she was a wonderfully professional person and dedicated to the class, she works with John and thus I trust her.

When I say they were all so amazingly welcoming, I cannot stress that part enough. The sweetest and most beautifully enthusiastic group of people, if I was scared of being nude they would have removed any of that instantly. Which brings me on the elephant in the room; being complete naked in a room full of strangers. It was not what I expected.

I do enjoy the idea of challenges but the first pose John put me in was a 15 minute crouch, one leg being behind the other. The room was warm, even outside the dressing gown and naturally the sweat came real quick. I was absolutely determined to do all I could to stay but it was grim, legs and feet cramping 8 minutes in. It went well, and now glossed and full of lactic acids, I took position two which was just a straight stand, facing the back of the room. Fine, it’s just 15 minutes of standing still. I’ll cool down and be fine- or so I thought.

I shook off pose 1 and turned to do the second, warm and surprisingly tired. Turns out staying in one place for some time in one fixed position is horribly hard.

The troubles started when I couldn’t regulate temperature or breathing and started to feel a little funny.

It’s fine, I thought, I’ll breathe it off.

Then every went from hot to cold rapidly and the edges of my vision got blurred.

Before I started, even before I entered the room they said about communicating everything I needed, had issue with or wanted to do. Which was perfect and I was happy to do it.

Cant be anything to bad, I think I’m just warm, but I couldn’t take a deep enough breathe.

‘I’ve gotta take a moment guys sorry’ I sort of slurred as a stool was brought to me.

I sat for the rest of the pose but I was getting dizzy. First it was to hot again, then freezing. I needed to leave.

Time is called and I take myself off. My hero of a partner has got me water and come cola at this point and I start to mop my face and underboob area, trying to calm myself.

If I can’t do something right, I get stressed.

I want to do the best job I can and even when my body fights against it I will put up a counter assault. I never win, body always wins.

Luckily there was another life model who stacked in at the last moment. She has done it a number of times before and was very experienced, she went and held a wonderful pose which meant that everybody got to continue drawing and fully get their moneys worth.

Both Emily and John made a point of coming up and talking to me, reassuring me that this happens very often and has in fact happened to Emily herself and the life model who was taking my place briefly, a wonderful human named Abby who I bonded with over a mutual friend that we both hold in very high regard.

The best part was that at this point everything had seemed to have regulated itself again and I was able to carry on. I cannot tell you the disappointment that would flow through me knowing that I couldn’t complete what I had been booked for.

The nice part was that because Abby was experienced and was very much up for continuing modelling the two of us did a piece back to back for the last 35 minutes. Personally, I really like the outcome of this and we vibe very well beforehand and continued to do so whilst modelling. Sometimes you just click with people. I think she was one of those people.

All of the class incredibly enthusiastic and very encouraging, it was the safest spice I have ever been in for art, not that any scenario has ever been particularly dangerous apart from the occasional mad bastard that walks in and reads some rather strange poetry or tends to yell something about the system, but they’re not dangerous. It just feels a little strange to me. This however didn’t, it was like coming home to a place that I’ve never been to. That’s probably the best way I could describe it.

So the conclusion to this – is it worth it? And would I do it again?

In a heartbeat, I already said to Emily and John but I would love to do it again and I have learned tremendous amounts about my body about my reaction to being and that scenario, how it regulates itself, what I would need going forward, and different position to me to try out in the future. I think next time I will lead myself in doing my own positions rather than having someone lead me. But at the same time I don’t need to challenge myself with anything unique or exotic, sometimes just standing there is all that is needed.

I did this because it was something on my bucket list, but more importantly, all of my life I have had so many problems with my body, the dysmorphia that comes with being a large person both in frame and in weight, being a fat kid that becomes a fat teen that works out to become a big adult, and all the while having comments and criticisms from most family, but also people who were supposed to be friends. I have worked very hard in the gym, threw skating, swimming and running to get to a stage of being happy and proud of myself. What I see this as, was an opportunity to put my money where my mouth is. It paid off and I feel almost unstoppable. Unless it’s slightly to hot or cold or I’m in a fucking horrid pose for ages.

I can’t thank John and Em enough for looking after me, for Abby for stepping in, my lovely James for getting me some sugar and beer, and everyone for being so encouraging and supportive. I hope to return.

I step into my flat, the remaining money from modelling in my pocket, Thai food in my hand and fully sense of achievement in myself. I shower off and take myself to bed.

One more ticked off the bucket list.

All the images have been wonderful to look at and take some time to process at the end of the session. The reward is the flood of wonder as you see yourself portrayed by so many different styles and people.