The Bean’s bean #7

I seem to have encountered an issue .

You see for the last 18 months or so I have solidly in writing poetry very much poetry style – not in beat or rap style or in sonnet or even anything traditional at all, I have just been writing poetry as I have always been writing.

This isn’t technically an issue when it comes to the poetry itself and nor does it become an issue whilst trying to write down the framework for some sort of novel (that I have admittedly working on a lot longer than I need to have been working on it for) whether that be in full or as part of some short story collection.

No, the issue I have encountered is when I have never been part of before and that is writing music.

You see, I haven’t been part of a band in some years now and have recently collaborated with some very dear friends of mine, some people I hold to me but haven’t worked with in that capacity and other people that are new friends of mine that I am starting to appreciate both as a person and as a very talented musician. I cannot tell you the level of joy it brings me to me back doing something that is at the very core of me a very essential part of my life. 

I first started writing music in my late teens and hadn’t really stopped until a few years ago, where I parted ways with my previous band.  The bottom line is it really doesn’t matter why I left but I felt leaving was the right thing to do and I still don’t regret walking away and focusing on myself. I mean for fuck’s sake- I have written so much (2 books and then some, including 4 zines) and created so much since leaving. I definitely think it was the right thing to do. I still feel even after a lot of analysis both through myself and through talking to others that it was something I needed to do on my creative journey going forward. I feel I have got a lot of of it out of my system and most importantly feel a lot more confident as a creative, which was a guess entirely the goal of doing it in the first place. 

I suppose the only comment I can attach to it is that if you don’t think it is right it probably isn’t right and there is no point in trying to force something to make it right – to do a semi quote of a famous phrase if you force it, it is probably shit. As I didn’t want it to be shit, I didn’t force it and felt that I ended, creatively at least, on a high.

The problem is with walking away from something that is a very essential part of your creativity and a very essential part of oneself is that you have a longing for it. There is definitely a hole that has left from leaving such a vital creative process so what was I to do? I didn’t necessarily know the right people to start something up again, or so I thought…

working name for new band

Over the last couple of months I have re-entered the studio and formed something a lot heavier than I’m used to but nonetheless thoroughly enjoy . The affirmation problem though is that I feel very rusty and out of practice in regards to writing things lyrically.

Considering this used to be my bread and butter and that’s a lot of my poetry has ported from failed songs and writing in studios , I find this a very interesting hurdle to try and negotiate myself around. I definitely don’t think it’s impossible, but it is funny sitting there trying to work out the feel around a lot of these things again. The bit that helps though is that out of the four other people I’m working with two of them I have worked with for many many years and one of them. I have known most of my life. The other person is a very cool dude who I am genuinely very happy to have bring his immense amount of positive energy into the project. 

We have only met twice over the last couple of months and don’t get me wrong, anything can happen at this stage including fizzling out like spit on a hot sidewalk. But with that disgusting allergy in mind it would make me feel horrible for everything to fall apart as I have put too much excitement and emotionally investment in it already. Entirely not the right thing to do mind, but I really cannot help myself.

Everyone seems to be very much on the same page and I’m very excited to not only be writing again, recording again but most importantly playing live on a stage somewhere . I think one of the most important hurdles will be that I am older than I think I give myself credit for and actually it has been at this point at least four years since I played live. I think it wasn’t long after the lockdown was lifted that we played one of our last shows (relating to the old band) but the problem is is that I kept a lot of my own thoughts about leaving to myself because I felt I needed to work a lot of things through mentally not just as a vocalist but as a person in general.

Now that I have worked myself out as a person a lot better, would I go back to that old project and resurrect it? There is a part of me that would like to, but I feel that the overall frustration that caused me to leave in the first place would just rear it’s ugly head again and I would be back to where I was before. 

I listen to the album we release digitally (and unfortunately in no other format) and cannot help but feel very proud of what it is we have created but at the same time absolutely fucking outraged that it didn’t get made into something bigger. Maybe a little later down the line I will make something for myself so that I can say I have my own stuff in a physical format on my music shelf for me to listen to. Mainly so when I am old and crusty, I can go back and revisit my youth and say to myself ‘ I did something really fucking cool there didn’t I?’ 

From Bloodstcok 2017, New Blood Stage

Thanks as always for the support. Hugs and all that good stuff.